what JESUS never said

i recently found this at "cat's cradle and i had to post it because it is amazing. i get so jealous of people who think like this. i love her outlook on grace. i'm not sure about you but i've been a couple of the people listed below and i have definitely worried about JESUS saying the things listed below (even though I know in my head that HE wouldn't).

What Jesus Didn't Say....

... to the woman at the well. "Well, first you have to make a full confession of everything you've done and then we'll talk. "

... to the woman with the hemorrhage. "Don't touch me. You'll get me all dirty and contaminated."

... to the Canaanite woman. "I don't care what you say, the gentiles are still dogs and dogs should be kept outside, not under the table."

... to the thief on the cross. "Since you were a thief, it's okay. I'll square it with Dad. Now if you'd been a homosexual it would be a totally different story."

... to the 5,000. "Ok, here's lunch, but first I have a sermon to give here and then the boys will be passing out commitment cards for you to sign. No signature, no lunch."

... to Peter, floundering in the water. "Pete, Pete, Pete. Hasn't anybody taught you how to swim?"

... to Mary, meeting him on the road just after Lazarus' death. " Well, everybody dies sometime, and I had some very important business to attend to. I just couldn't fit a visit into my schedule before now."

... to Martha, bustling about the kitchen and fussing about Mary's sitting down on the job. "Mary, get your lazy butt up and go act like a normal woman. Shame on you for forgetting your place like that!"

... to the rich young man. "Hey, salvation may be free but it ain't cheap. But I would like some sort of commitment from you --- 10% or so would work. You can see the guy who takes care of the purse, Judas."

... to the scribes and Pharisees who were trying to trap him. "I'm behind you, fellas. Those rules are there to be obeyed to the letter, and if you can make a little profit off them, so much the better."

... to the people on the mount, "Listen. I'm telling you to love your neighbor, but make sure he isn't *one of them*, if you know what i mean."

... to the crowd, "Do unto others before they do unto you."

... to Mary, his mother, at a party, "Bug off, Ma. If these lazy jerks can't plan adequately for this, why should I pull their irons out of the fire for them?"

Of course, he didn't say any of this. That, I believe, is why we have the gospels, the "good news" not "the good news -- and the bad news."